j’ai imaginé
retourner travailler
sans être complètement là
partir de la maison
en déroulant ma bobine de fil
tenir fermement (à) ce lien en tout temps
j’ai imaginé
quitter le bureau pour rentrer diner
et allaiter Paul
attendre impatiemment midi
pour manger
et pour nourir
j’ai imaginé
amener Paul avec moi parfois
lui faire visiter les lieux
le présenter
entendre les autres s’extasier
profiter du bonheur
j’ai imaginé
naïvement sûrement
que je réussirais à prioriser
que le temps passé avec Paul
primerait sur le travail
qu’il resterait le centre de mon attention
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mais le travail me pèse
prend le pas sur le travail du deuil
me draine
m’empêche de faire ce qu’il faut
pour me rappeler
pour cicatriser
pour moi
pour Paul
je n’ai pas le temps de respirer
étouffée par le quotidien
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* Pour plus de détails sur le projet Capture Your Grief, c’est par ici.
le marcassin envolé 
Je comprend. J’ai vraiment de la chance d’être encore à la maison. De pas avoir le stress du milieu de travail en plus.
Il y a des bons côtés aussi. Avant de retourner au travail, je sentais que j’avais besoin de meubler un peu mon temps, mais par moments, c’est comme trop!
yes- it was so sudden going from having all day to grieve and trying to fill the time so I didnt simply ruminate to spending so much time at work. right now I work 4 days instead of 5, but they are long days and my day off is filled with appointments. not enough time to do it all- grieve and distract
perhaps it means we do belong in the mom category — trying to do it all but not quite succeeding…
I can only imagine how much extra time and energy you need to recover from all you deal with working as a midwife.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling to balance grief with work, not to mention the new concern in your life. I’ve dealt with a similar reality when we lost B.W., and I found that over time, I just found a way to compartmentalize (my grief) more than I ever thought I was capable. It’s a sad reality of this intense grieving period. Of course, I wish it weren’t so, and you were rather juggling work and life with Paul.
it just seem so wrong to arrive at the end of the day and to realize i haven’t been able to care for Paul. I think of him often, in a way he truly is « always with me » but i need more conscious time for him and me.
Do you think you want to go back to work eventually or is that just not on your radar with all that’s happened?
I do think I’ll go back to work, maybe sometime in the next 2 years. C.T. has really appreciated having me around, and when I’m around, he’s appreciated that I’m more fully « present » (rather than constantly checking email, dropping everything for requests that used to pop up constantly). And now that Zachary has died, he has appreciated all of that, even more so. He has pointedly asked me if I’ll stay home again, for his second grade year at school. I don’t know. I do not feel ready to return to the old crazy work style I was living. I think I need a change (maybe a big one that requires more education) in the type of work I do. Not having the energy to pursue that right now leaves me focused solely on grieving and caring for C.T. Which I’m mostly ok with for now. There is also the part of me who is now just primarily concerned with keeping C.T. alive and well, and having this element of « control » of his and my hours, sort of facilitates that (or the false sense of it anyway).