At some point during the spring, as i was discovering the beautiful people and resources at Glow in the woods, i came across a call to participate to a mother’s project to honor her daughter Marlo. She was collecting squares of fabric to be included in a knitting graffiti for her daughter’s third birthday.
I knew right away i wanted to be a part of this creative tribute to the life of Marlo and many other lost babies. I knew because the video of the 2013 edition of the knitting tree was set to one of my favorite songs, The Be Good Tanyas’ Littlest Birds. I knew because even though i can’t knit, i feel a strong connection to knitting since i am lucky to have a expert-knitter as a grandmother.I knew because for the brief winter weeks Paul was with us, he spent a lot of time in beautiful outfits knitted with so much love by his great-grandmother and great-great-aunt, and wrapped in a blanket made by his paternal grandmother. I knew because when i was pregnant with Paul, i felt so thankful to rediscover the wool outfits that my brother and i had worn as children that were carefully preserved for our own children. I felt that somehow, all this intertwined wool was a line connecting us through time and generations…
I have been wanting to learn how to knit for some time now, and postponing the project again and again. I didn’t have time (or perhaps, didn’t take the time) to learn to contribute something knitted to Marlo’s garden. Instead, i made a square in a way i was able to, by sewing a marcassin, a baby wild boar, on a piece of fabric. When i sent it out, it was along with three other squares made by women who love Paul and had been just as inspired as me by the idea of contributing to this beautiful project.
Then, in the days after i sent out my little package for Marlo’s garden, i received three more squares. I kept them, thinking they could be part of remembering Paul’s half-birthday or the six-month anniversary of his death, but things turned out a little differently, so the three squares waited patiently.
In the end, i decided they could be incorporated in my version of an August 19th prayer flag, to which Paul’s grandma also contributed with a beautiful striped flag (stripes… another love story). Not long after i put up the flags yesterday, i found the video link for Marlo’s garden celebration that Bryanna, her mom, had just posted. I was so touched to see all of the contributions from so many parents, and to recognize among them the squares that celebrate Paul’s life.
I have never had faith. I don’t know if i believe in anything but the human connections our lives are made of. From the time i was pregnant, P. and i wanted Paul to be surrounded by a large family structure, made of our biological families but also the people we have chosen and who have chosen us back. In the midst of all the grief that fills my days, i can say that, at least, Paul is certainly part of beautiful and loving interconnected networks…
Paul’s flags and squares, and below, the beautiful knitting graffiti in Marlo’s garden.