Everything changes so fast in a baby’s life.
As soon as I have the impression of figuring out Aimé’s routine, it changes, sometimes radically.
As soon as I am delimiting the outer edges of what he can and cannot do, he learns new skills.
As soon as I think I am grasping some sort of essence of who he is, he transforms.
I can’t describe his personality yet. Lire la suite
On February 1st, 2014, my baby died. His name was Paul. He was four weeks old.
The shock caused by his death was so violent i had the impression i would not survive it. I was hurting and crying so much i thought i would die. It’s not that i wanted to end my life, just that i wanted so hard to not exist. For weeks, i could not imagine surviving, let alone living a fulfilling life again. I had already experienced important losses. Both my parents were had died by the time i was 18, so i thought i knew grief. But the pain of losing Paul was so immense, incomparable to any other. Lire la suite
How do you find calm in the turmoil and agitation?
Somewhere in me, i know i need to wait for this baby to be ready to come on his/her own, i know stressing out doesn’t help me, and doesn’t make time speed up as i wish it would. I know my state of mind in this limbo between when bébé-lentille could have been here and when s/he will be is not unique. Mothers have lived through this anxious time forever — or at least for a few decades as the timing of birth has become more and more predictable and precise.
I need to be patient, i need to find calm, and peace.
I need to find a way to stay in this inner space that allows me to stop waiting and just be.
I thought bébé-lentille would be here with us by now, that i would be able to hold him/her in my arms. But i need to remember i am not the one to decide when this will happen. I need to release this urge to control the unfolding of the next few days.
I need to find a way to rest, to wait, to relax.
Perhaps then, in this space between calm and excitation, filled with love and expectation, i will be able to open myself entirely to welcome my may-baby.
Mon bébé-de-mai.
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Inspired by The Prompt… More posts about Calm here :
Last week, P. and I went to Detroit to visit my brother, sister-in-law and brand-new-adorable niece, S..
An intense journey, both physically — a very long drive for my very pregnant self — and emotionally. A travel through space, through time, in a way, as i was reliving vicariously the vertiginous first few days with a baby, but also a travel into an unknown, unexplored reality.
A reality in which my little brother is now a dad, in which he is learning to parent as i struggle not to be able to have more perspective on this role i should be well acquainted with by now. The jealousy and envy i have felt at some points since knowing Paul would have a cousin before i could give him a brother or a sister has receded, but as the days pass, i wonder how i will feel once S. reaches and sails past 28 days of life. I don’t know what to make of this reality but accept it exists, and go along with it.
Who doesn’t sometimes suffer from this common modern affliction? It is almost expected in a society that values so much “being busy” — a well-adjusted adult is almost expected to have too little time to accomplish all of their weekly tasks, making the excuses we give ourselves for procrastinating easy to find and easy to use.
I have the privilege of being able to take time off work for the last weeks of my pregnancy. Pregnant with Paul, in 2013, I had waited until my 37th week to stop working, partly because it lined up with the winter holidays, but mostly because I didn’t allow myself to have free time if I didn’t absolutely need to. If I wasn’t absolutely unable to work, I felt like I had to keep going. Even after Paul’s death, I felt the obligation to return to work as soon as I got back to a more or less functioning state. Lire la suite
